My Little Audrey

When I knew Audrey wasn't going to make it I started to think about what I would do with her 'after'. I dreaded the thought. I kept thinking 'what would she want'? I could have buried her but I don't have a backyard. Just a brick patio. I could have torn up the brick and put her there but ugghhh, what a pain. I could have buried her at my parents house in their backyard along with our four other family dogs and my hamster. Wait....she wouldn't have wanted that. She would want to be close to me. For a moment I considered taxidermy. I could have her frozen in time forever and I could pet her and look at her whenever I wanted. What would Jake make of that? Creepy, I decided. Anyone visiting my home would think I was nuts.

I could not just leave her at the vet. I wanted her with me. A friend suggested cremation. That was the only other option. The vet took care of all of the arrangements. Off she went and in about 10 days I received a box. Inside the box was a little can wrapped in yellow paper. There was a round sticker on the top of the can that said "In Memory of _______. " Audrey's name was written in blue ink on the line. The can was inside a blue velvet bag with a rope tie and engraved on the front in yellow lettering it said "Until we meet again at the Rainbow Bridge."

I put it on my nightstand so she could be close to me every night when I slept. I put one of my favorite pictures of her next to it. I shook the can and wondered what was in it? How did it look? Was it really her? Did a can of ashes really have any meaning? Sometimes I would watch tv and hold it in my lap and talk to her. A couple of nights when I missed her really bad I cried myself to sleep holding it. I would wake up in the morning and it would be laying on the bed next to me.

This summer while I was in Italy I wanted to buy a better 'home' for her remains. I found this great little urn at one of my favorite shops. When I brought it home, I had a little ceremony one night so I could transfer 'the remains'. I nervously opened the can for the first time not quite knowing what to expect. I heard that there would be little bits of bone and teeth in there. It seemed like it when I shook the can. When I finally opened it, the can was about 1/3 of the way full. Just a mound of light grey ashes. No significant smell. No bone bits or teeth. Nothing that reminded me of her in any way. Strange, I thought. This is all that's left. Such a beautiful, vibrant little girl. Now just a mound of grey ash.

I carefully transferred her ashes to the urn and put the can away in a box with all of her other things. Now she sits on my nightstand and I look at her every night before I go to sleep. I can't say that I feel like she is in there. I feel her spirit in my home much more than I feel that she is in that urn. I'm glad I made that choice though. At least from a significance point of view I have her with me. She would have wanted that so I think I gave her her wish. I still miss her so much.